Signed Into Facebook, Signed Out Of Parenting

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Providing practical solutions for the roadblocks which prevent families from healthy eating, feeds the larger purpose of helping children to develop into the best they can be. It is for this reason that Feeding The Need To Succeed does not always have to be taken quite so literally. Over the past 24 hours, I have witnessed three very different types of parents.

Looks Like Dora's Joining Us For Dinner:

As I celebrated an early Mother's Day at a lovely Italian restaurant last night, a brightness continued to catch the corner of my eye in the dimly lit room. After this distraction persisted, I turned my head to investigate. What I found, came as quite a shock. A family of four adults sat eating their dinner and conversing, while the one child at the table sat watching a movie on a portable DVD player- Dora the Explorer, to be exact. My initial reaction was to become frustrated at what I saw as missed opportunities for growth for that child; but I did what I believe most professionals in child development would do- I began to evaluate what I was observing and the potential impact it would have on the child. I began to imagine the teachable moments the young girl's parents were missing out on. Missed opportunities for the young girl to develop into the best that she can be...

One of the most important skills a family can help a young child develop is her ability to express herself orally. A solid grounding in oral expression will lead a child to have strong skills in literacy ie: speaking, reading, and writing. The restaurant environment allowed for endless opportunities for the young girl to develop these crucial skills. The child could have discussed what she thought about her meal, the atmosphere, or her waiter, for example.

Social and emotional implications- had the parents promoted discussion at the table, they would have contributed to allowing a safe and open space for the young girl to express her feelings in the future. This has strong implications right into adolescence when teens feel the need to be supported and listened to the most.

Reality of the situation- From this one experience, I do not know what efforts these parents make to promote their child's development outside of this instance, not to mention the fact that Dora the Explorer is one of the more educational choices they could have made. Perhaps the parents spend a great deal of time reading, communicating, and interacting with their child. Because these are things I don't know about, I cannot make a final judgement on their parenting. What I can do however, is be inspired to recommend that parents and caregivers take every opportunity to develop their child by looking for teachable moments. If you are out for dinner and you find your child mixing his food, perhaps creating a new colour, this is an opportunity for you to ask what he is noticing when he mixes the food. Through this simple question, your child may learn about phase change ie: solid to liquid (science), and colour change (science & perception). Eating out can allow you to ask your child questions about counting (counting seats at a table), develop his reading skills (reading the menu or finding the first letter of his name somewhere on the menu), and form hypotheses about the way the world works, from his observations. Finally, despite the educational component of Dora the Explorer, through the parents endorsing the use of the DVD player in a restaurant, the parents are teaching their daughter poor social etiquette. Closing oneself off to social interaction in a social environment or turning off one's awareness to the external environment can create isolation and lack of meta-cognitive development.

Signed Into Facebook, Signed Out Of Parenting:

Further into dinner, I overheard a boy from a nearby table speaking to his parents, quite eloquently I might add, about items around the restaurant he found interesting. As I glanced over, his parents quickly caught my eye. His father was signed into Facebook browsing the status updates on his iPhone, and his mother was glued to her iPhone- her expression remained fixed and her eyes did not deviate from her phone until dessert arrived. As the boy waited patiently for one of his parents to respond, he switched his gaze back and forth between his mother and father until his father finally responded with a quick answer and a rustle of the hair. After this exchange, the boy sat quietly in his seat and continued to look back at forth at his mother and father. For approximately ten minutes, the table remained silent, the father remained on Facebook, reacting every so often to what I would assume was a humorous status update, and the mother remained expressionless and completely entranced by her iPhone. My reaction? I was appalled, and I felt sad for the boy. It was as if his parents were sitting at the table alone. They showed a strong disinterest for their son, even when he reached out to communicate with them.

Reality of the situation- Although I did not have the opportunity to ask the boy how he felt, it does not take an expert to know that parents who ignore their son because they are on Facebook, are sending a negative message, resulting in the child feeling rejected in one way or another. Children need to feel that they have caregivers who... care. They need to feel they have caregivers who want to connect, respond, and listen. Children can pick up on trends and circumstances quite quickly. A child wants to understand the world around him, and will try to make sense of what he is presented with. How is this boy to make sense of this time he has spent with his parents? Will he feel that what he has to say in the future is worthwhile? What will happen later in life when he feels the need for emotional support? Who will he turn to?

It is up to the child's primary caregivers to create an open and safe environment for the child to turn to. Take advantage of the times when your child opens up to you, and listen. Yes it is important to make a conscious effort to ask your child questions, but when a child reaches out, the worst thing for him to feel is ignored and rejected.

You Can't Always Get What You Want:

This afternoon I spent some time at a park by the lake. It was a beautiful afternoon. The sun was shining, jackets were left at home, and the park was packed with families. I laid out my blanket on the grass next to the play structure and settled in for a rest in the sun. As I closed my eyes, a mother's words rung out... "You need to learn that you can't always get what you want when you want it.” I looked over, and noticed this mother was explaining to her crying son that he could come back to the swings when they were available. He seemed to be quite upset that he was not able to tell a child to leave the swing, allowing him access to the swing at that moment. His mother picked him up and rubbed his back as she could see he was quite upset. She explained that if he was patient he would be able to use the swing- but it would be important that he wait if this is what he wanted. We've all heard that the most important things we ever learned were in Kindergarten. Here is a perfect example. How many times have you wanted something immediately, but knew that getting it in the immediate would have negative consequences? Perhaps you have wanted a new car, but have had to make the decision to wait and save, in order to prevent yourself from going into debt. Perhaps you have wanted to be the first in a check out line at the grocery store, but knew it was best to wait instead of pushing to the front of the line. Everyday we must make the decision to wait for what we want.

Reality of the situation- This mother truly took advantage of this teachable moment. Not only did she give her son the best direction of not pushing the other boy off of the swing, but she provided him with a life lesson, using an experience that was meaningful to him. The best teaching comes from guided experiential learning. This lesson will become more generalizable to the boy, than had it been taught as words without a context. This mother demonstrated to be an active parent, taking responsibility for her son's learning, his emotional needs, and who he becomes in the future.

We're Always Learning:

Parents don't always do the right thing, but for the most part, they do the best with what they know, and with what they have. Parents are everyday people who have developed into who they are, guided by their own past experiences. We all do some things without putting too much thought into the implications of our actions. We can all become better parents and caregivers by remembering one simple thing- When it comes to interacting with your child, when you are even just sitting with her, reflect on what kind of an environment you are creating for your child. Are you creating an atmosphere of acceptance, love, and compassion? Are you showing a genuine interest in what your child has to say? Are you making your child feel valued as a person? If you can say YES to all of these questions, then you are feeding the (very important) need for parent-child interaction, and thus, helping your child develop into the best that he or she can be.

-Michelle Eisen BSc. MA in Child Study and Education

FeedingTheNeedToSucceed@gmail.com

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