Providing
practical solutions for the roadblocks which prevent families from
healthy eating, feeds the larger purpose of helping children to
develop into the best they can be. It is for this reason that Feeding
The Need To Succeed does not always have to be taken quite so
literally. Over the past 24 hours, I have witnessed three very
different types of parents.
Looks
Like Dora's Joining Us For Dinner:
As
I celebrated an early Mother's Day at a lovely Italian restaurant
last night, a brightness continued to catch the corner of my eye in
the dimly lit room. After this distraction persisted, I turned my
head to investigate. What I found, came as quite a shock. A family of
four adults sat eating their dinner and conversing, while the one
child at the table sat watching a movie on a portable DVD player-
Dora the Explorer, to be exact. My initial reaction was to
become frustrated at what I saw as missed opportunities for growth
for that child; but I did what I believe most professionals in child
development would do- I began to evaluate what I was observing and
the potential impact it would have on the child. I began to imagine
the teachable moments the young girl's parents were missing out on.
Missed opportunities for the young girl to develop into the best that
she can be...
One
of the most important skills a family can help a young child develop
is her ability to express herself orally. A solid grounding in oral
expression will lead a child to have strong skills in literacy ie:
speaking, reading, and writing. The restaurant environment allowed
for endless opportunities for the young girl to develop these crucial
skills. The child could have discussed what she thought about her
meal, the atmosphere, or her waiter, for example.
Social
and emotional implications- had the parents promoted discussion at
the table, they would have contributed to allowing a safe and open
space for the young girl to express her feelings in the future. This
has strong implications right into adolescence when teens feel the
need to be supported and listened to the most.
Reality
of the situation- From this one experience, I do not know what
efforts these parents make to promote their child's development
outside of this instance, not to mention the fact that Dora the
Explorer is one of the more educational choices they could have
made. Perhaps the parents spend a great deal of time reading,
communicating, and interacting with their child. Because these are
things I don't know about, I cannot make a final judgement on their
parenting. What I can do however, is be inspired to recommend that
parents and caregivers take every opportunity to develop their child
by looking for teachable moments. If you are out for dinner and you
find your child mixing his food, perhaps creating a new colour, this
is an opportunity for you to ask what he is noticing when he mixes
the food. Through this simple question, your child may learn about
phase change ie: solid to liquid (science), and colour change
(science & perception). Eating out can allow you to ask your
child questions about counting (counting seats at a table), develop
his reading skills (reading the menu or finding the first letter of
his name somewhere on the menu), and form hypotheses about the way
the world works, from his observations. Finally, despite the
educational component of Dora the Explorer, through the
parents endorsing the use of the DVD player in a restaurant, the
parents are teaching their daughter poor social etiquette. Closing
oneself off to social interaction in a social environment or turning
off one's awareness to the external environment can create isolation
and lack of meta-cognitive development.
Signed
Into Facebook, Signed Out Of Parenting:
Further
into dinner, I overheard a boy from a nearby table speaking to his
parents, quite eloquently I might add, about items around the
restaurant he found interesting. As I glanced over, his parents
quickly caught my eye. His father was signed into Facebook browsing
the status updates on his iPhone, and his mother was glued to her
iPhone- her expression remained fixed and her eyes did not deviate
from her phone until dessert arrived. As the boy waited patiently for
one of his parents to respond, he switched his gaze back and forth
between his mother and father until his father finally responded with
a quick answer and a rustle of the hair. After this exchange, the boy
sat quietly in his seat and continued to look back at forth at his
mother and father. For approximately ten minutes, the table remained
silent, the father remained on Facebook, reacting every so often to
what I would assume was a humorous status update, and the mother
remained expressionless and completely entranced by her iPhone. My
reaction? I was appalled, and I felt sad for the boy. It was as if
his parents were sitting at the table alone. They showed a strong
disinterest for their son, even when he reached out to communicate
with them.
Reality
of the situation- Although I did not have the opportunity to ask the
boy how he felt, it does not take an expert to know that parents who
ignore their son because they are on Facebook, are sending a negative
message, resulting in the child feeling rejected in one way or
another. Children need to feel that they have caregivers who... care.
They need to feel they have caregivers who want to connect, respond,
and listen. Children can pick up on trends and circumstances quite
quickly. A child wants to understand the world around him, and will
try to make sense of what he is presented with. How is this boy to
make sense of this time he has spent with his parents? Will he feel
that what he has to say in the future is worthwhile? What will happen
later in life when he feels the need for emotional support? Who will
he turn to?
It
is up to the child's primary caregivers to create an open and safe
environment for the child to turn to. Take advantage of the times
when your child opens up to you, and listen. Yes it is important to
make a conscious effort to ask your child questions, but when a child
reaches out, the worst thing for him to feel is ignored and rejected.
You
Can't Always Get What You Want:
This
afternoon I spent some time at a park by the lake. It was a beautiful
afternoon. The sun was shining, jackets were left at home, and the
park was packed with families. I laid out my blanket on the grass
next to the play structure and settled in for a rest in the sun. As I
closed my eyes, a mother's words rung out... "You need to learn that
you can't always get what you want when you want it.” I looked
over, and noticed this mother was explaining to her crying son that
he could come back to the swings when they were available. He seemed
to be quite upset that he was not able to tell a child to leave the
swing, allowing him access to the swing at that moment. His mother
picked him up and rubbed his back as she could see he was quite
upset. She explained that if he was patient he would be able to use
the swing- but it would be important that he wait if this is what he
wanted. We've all heard that the most important things we ever
learned were in Kindergarten. Here is a perfect example. How many
times have you wanted something immediately, but knew that getting it
in the immediate would have negative consequences? Perhaps you have
wanted a new car, but have had to make the decision to wait and save,
in order to prevent yourself from going into debt. Perhaps you have
wanted to be the first in a check out line at the grocery store, but
knew it was best to wait instead of pushing to the front of the line.
Everyday we must make the decision to wait for what we want.
Reality of the situation- This mother truly took advantage of this
teachable moment. Not only did she give her son the best direction
of not pushing the other boy off of the swing, but she provided him
with a life lesson, using an experience that was meaningful to him.
The best teaching comes from guided experiential learning. This
lesson will become more generalizable to the boy, than had it been
taught as words without a context. This mother demonstrated to be an
active parent, taking responsibility for her son's learning, his
emotional needs, and who he becomes in the future.
We're
Always Learning:
Parents
don't always do the right thing, but for the most part, they do the
best with what they know, and with what they have. Parents are
everyday people who have developed into who they are, guided by their
own past experiences. We all do some things without putting too much
thought into the implications of our actions. We can all become
better parents and caregivers by remembering one simple thing- When
it comes to interacting with your child, when you are even just
sitting with her, reflect on what kind of an environment you are
creating for your child. Are you creating an atmosphere of
acceptance, love, and compassion? Are you showing a genuine interest
in what your child has to say? Are you making your child feel valued
as a person? If you can say YES to all of these questions, then you
are feeding the (very important) need for parent-child interaction,
and thus, helping your child develop into the best that he or she can
be.
-Michelle Eisen BSc. MA in Child Study and Education
FeedingTheNeedToSucceed@gmail.com
